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OMG! They killed Kenny! Posted at 08:12 PM - 03/25/09 in General by Dennis

It seems like every day, some study like this one "Diet Heavy In Meat Raises Mortality Risk" is covered on the morning news shows.  It seems that everything is killing us.  So, in the spirit of our infatuation with what will kill us, I present the parody article I wrote:

Breathing linked to increased death rate.

In a study published today in the Podunk Daily Leaflet, researchers from the Non-Consensual Death Institute announced their findings that breathing has been linked to an increased death rate.

In an exhaustive study consiting of 8 people and 1 cat, the researchers discovered that 100% of all deaths occurred in people who were at one time breathing.  This lead them to conclude that excessive breathing must cause death.  The Surgeon General, upon hearing the results of this study has issued a warning to all Americans.  "One can only assume that breathing leads to death, so I am recommending that everyone hold their breath for at least an hour a day, to reduce their risk.", America's Top Doc announced.  Researchers are quick to point out that there is no way to completely eliminate your risk, only reduce it.  "Due to the body's oxygen requirements, we cannot recommend quitting breathing altogether, as that will also cause death, which kind of defeats the purpose.", stated Bubba Jones-Smith, the lead researcher.  "What we can recommend is all things in moderation.  Follow the FDA's Guidelines for Healthy Breathing, and you should be fine.  For a while, anyway."